It has finally hit me that I will be living in another city, let alone in another country on a continent far away from home. I thought I would not feel as anxious to leave home since I go back to Santa Barbara for school after every summer, but this time it was different. I got anxious, but I also felt sad. However, this is understandable since I am going to be a ten hour flight away from home -- not just a five hour drive.
Although I have experienced being far from home, a wave of sadness still rushes over me every time I have to leave Sacramento, and unfortunately, this time it is even worse. Reality kicked in and thoughts, like “Am I making the right decision?” and “Can I do this?” took up my energy as soon as I realized I would be alone in a foreign country. My worries about my education, my obsession with productivity, and my future exacerbated from their usual tedious presence in my daily life. In fact, this time my worries paired with sadness. I thought to myself, “How will I be without my family?” since I still feel my heart sink every time I have to pack up my things and leave for school.
From this, my thoughts spiral out of control, which leads to my sadness about not being able to fight my fears and worries. Shouldn’t I be comfortable being without my family and being alone with my thoughts? I get upset when I let myself be defeated by my insecurities about my way of life, since I worry about the path I am on and about how I will deal without loved ones nearby. My sadness is caused by my own battle with the insecurities I face, since I often let them win. However, this sadness does not have to be a negative thing...
Isn’t it a good thing that I am sad about leaving home? This means I care about my family and friends and that I value spending quality time with loved ones.
Isn’t it a good thing that I acknowledge what makes me sad? Because if I did not notice the things that made me upset, I would not be able to change and grow.
Isn’t it a good thing that I know what parts of myself I should keep working on? I need to give myself time because changing myself is not going to happen overnight.
So, instead of worrying about how sad I am and how this can potentially be a sign of my failure in being at peace with myself and the present, I now view this sadness as motivation. It is motivation to continue to love those around me, to continue to acknowledge the unpleasant parts of my life, and to continue changing.
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