No Plan

I stand at the foot of the door of my Isla Vista apartment with my Herschel backpack slung over my shoulder that is packed with my belongings. A flood of memories washes over me: the times my friends and I spent lounging on our couch, playing Guitar Hero, taking Polaroid pictures, eating a hungover brunch whilst spilling the tea on who made out with who the other night. Who would have thought that my college experience would end abruptly, with the coronavirus escalating to the point of California's establishment as a "shelter in place."

I could choose to wallow and express anger over the unfairness of not attending another college lecture, or cramming for an exam on the ocean view floor of the library, but given the spread of the virus and the uncertainty of its end, I choose to stay grateful.

I arrived to UCSB in 2016 excited to become independent. It was scary because I was not sure of how to confidentially make my own choices. What if I chose the wrong major? What if I made the wrong friends? What if I partied my four years away?

I can say without a doubt that none of my fears and original plans came to fruition. Right now, with the virus gaining traction, the economy slowing down, and the gaps between the rich and poor growing wider, I know without a doubt that sociology was the right move for me. The friends by my side, providing words of comfort during anxious times were clearly the right ones because we eased each others' troubles, whilst also partying whenever we could.

Life is a trajectory of decisions and what these past 3.5 years have taught me is that I have the power in deciding what I want to do and where I want to be. It is scary because I plan all things trivial to things that carry weight. I like to know what I'll eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I get satisfaction from crossing things off my to-do list, knowing I spent enough time during the day to complete various tasks.

But given the anxiety surrounding the virus, my treasured plans have been postponed for who knows how long. I planned on staying in Isla Vista until June, I was set on coming back home only after graduation, I planned on interning for an NGO or even teaching English abroad during the summer, but yet, here I am. I am already home.

I had so many goals and other things to cross off my Senior Year Bucket List. I guess the lessons I learned throughout college have culminated into one big lesson that hit me these past few weeks. Planning is a concept that creates high and false expectations that only lead to disappointment. I am disappointed that my plans ended abruptly, but I am also thankful that I have finally learned this and can remember this moment as I face new challenges and new decisions to make.