By now it should be no surprise to me that as I near the end of my college experience, I will frequently have days when I wake up in a panic. My heart racing, pupils dilating as I stare blankly at the white ceiling above me.
Thoughts, such as, "What is next? What is my calling?" flood my mind and prevent me from calmly beginning my day because the future is persistently my mind. Although I somehow make it through breakfast, there is always another instance in the day that brings forth fears about the unknown life ahead of me. A conversation with a friend, an announcement on Facebook from fellow classmates announcing their new jobs -- these instances bring attention to the fears in my mind, which only become stronger as I dive deep into comparing myself to others and how much I have yet to accomplish.
The other day, a friend from my hometown visited me in Santa Barbara and asked me about my plans after graduation. Because I have been waking up with crippling anxiety about my future and how I can remain true to myself despite the amount of growth I have yet to experience, I simply told her, "I am scared."
She prompted me further and asked, "What's your biggest fear?" to which my own response shocked me because I said my biggest fear was staying in Sacramento. Sacramento, my beloved hometown.
My current state of life makes me feel like Lady Bird, played by Saoirse Ronan in Greta Gerwig's 2017 directorial debut, "Lady Bird."
The film's opening scene features Lady Bird and her mother in the car discussing Lady Bird's future. Lady Bird is a senior in high school and her self-willingness to explore the world is revealed when she exasperatedly says, "I want to go to the East Coast. I want to go where culture is like New York."
Lady Bird's strong beliefs about how much she hates California, including her hometown of Sacramento, results in the film showing how she comes of age and navigates her change in character.
Clashes with her mother, falling in love, fights with her best friend, and other experiences all shape Lady Bird into who she ultimately becomes -- a fearless young woman, who goes after what she wants, while preserving the roots that make her Lady Bird. She ends up giving respect to not only her younger self, but also her hometown Sacramento, which has shaped her into the person she becomes.
This brings to mind another Sacramento native, writer, Joan Didion, who wrote, "character -- the willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life -- is the source from which self-respect springs."
Despite Lady Bird's stubbornness and idealistic view of her future world, one that is outside of Sacramento, I admire her determination to stick to her whimsical self. She demands everyone call her "Lady Bird," instead of her real name, "Christine," and she does as she pleases. During her senior hear of high school, she joins theater, attempts to fit into the "cool" crowd, and applies to out-of-state colleges, despite her mother's wishes.
I do not agree with the way she treats her loved ones at times, but at a coming-of-age, it makes sense why she pretends to be somebody she is not. I remember during the end of my teenage years, I also lashed out at my parents and floated from friend groups. Adolescence is awkward and frustrating because you are legally an adult, but you still turn to outside forces to find yourself -- to find that "adult" part of you that is confident and self-aware. More importantly, that part of you that respects yourself.
The last scene of "Lady Bird" seemingly illuminates Didion's quote.
We see Lady Bird, slightly disheveled walking through the streets of New York in the early morning hours. The night before, she was at a party, mingling with other students. Someone asked her where she was from, but her muted response, "Sacramento," was inaudible because of the sound of music and clanking beer bottles.
She walks past brick buildings, processing her first night in New York and phones home. She attempts to reach her mother, but cannot and instead leaves a voicemail:
"Hi Mom and Dad, it’s me. Christine. It’s the name you gave me. It’s a good one. Dad, this is more for Mom. Hey mom: did you feel emotional the first time that you drove in Sacramento? I did and I wanted to tell you, but we weren’t really talking when it happened. All those bends I’ve known my whole life, and stores, and the whole thing. But I wanted to tell you. I love you. Thank you, I’m... thank you."
In this moment, we see Lady Bird's fully developed character because she finally accepts herself for who she has been and who she is becoming. Deep down, she has always loved Sacramento, but she tried to fight it because she wanted to leave her past behind and start her life anew. The name she even gives herself serves as a memento of that -- of leaving behind what she has known in order to chase the unknown and grow as a person.
Yet, because growth requires taking what you know and forsaking it to try new things, take chances, and explore different possibilities, it is hard to remain true to your past self, let alone even the new you. Lady Bird struggles with this and her acceptance of her character, including who she once was and her current self is what leads her to appreciate all that she has lived through. Once she takes ownership of herself and of the life she has, only then does she pay homage to the experiences that shaped her.
As I begin my final year of college, I will keep Lady Bird's revelation in mind. Despite my inclination to graduate and leave Sacramento for the next part of my life, I vow to move slow and take in every moment, while expressing gratitude for my life, which made me who I am.
I would not be where I am now without my family, my beloved Sacramento, and my determination to push forth in times of fear.
I guess my biggest fear right now is not being stuck in Sacramento, but rather forgetting that Sacramento made me me.
Metamorphosis in any stage of life is scary and unnerving, but continuing to take leaps of faith as we live out our lives allows us to acknowledge our ever-changing identities and more importantly, respect who we once were and are transforming into.
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